( Disclaimer : This is purely my ‘dream’ work. Any uncanny resemblance to any person living, dead or otherwise is purely coincidental and extremely unfortunate)
Recently, I decided to incarnate on Twitter, and it has been a stupendous success. Many people have a lot of questions to ask me, mainly because I’m a celebrity. Most realize that it is really a useless exercise, yet they’d like to do it. That is the glamor of the television, less famously and more precisely described as the Idiot Box.
Some people tried to harass me by asking unwanted questions – questions that I do not want to be asked. Would you want your boss to ask you questions about how efficient you really are at your job? And these people are not even my bosses. So i made good use of a nice little functionality offered by Twitter called ‘Blocking‘ to keep unwanted questions away.
But with the advent of futuristic technologies like the e-mail and SMS, things were never the same again. People against me wrote to more people against me, who wrote to even more people against me and now I had thousands of people on Twitter against me and this was against my best interests. So, against my own wishes, I’ve decided to give an interview. Since I could not find a more qualified interviewer, I’ve decided to interview myself.
I know you’re my fan if you’ve already RT’ed this article before reaching here.
Q : Why did you become a journalist?
A : At a very young age, I was very fluent in English. I knew words like abash, copious, quid pro quo etc etc. For someone with no other skill, journalism was an excellent choice.
Q : What, according to you, is the most defining moment in your career?
A : That would undoubtedly be the release of the Bollywood flick ‘Lakshya’!
Q : I know why already (since I’m questioning myself) but please tell why you chose THAT moment?
A : Well, that movie really made me a household name, thanks to Preity Zinta. She was looking as bad as I, in the movie. Nobody would’ve related the character she portrayed with me, had she looked like, say, the hot chick in Salaam Namaste.
Q : A lot of people criticized you for the 26/11 terror attacks’ coverage…
A : Public memory is short. Wait a minute – What happened on 26/11????
Q : There is a lot of hullabaloo over ‘Internet Hindus’ lately. Do you consider them your primary adversaries?
A : No. On the contrary, I love the Internet Hindus. They make up over 80% of my followers. My primary adversary would be the lady credited with coining the term ‘Internet Hindus’!!
Q : Why is she your adversary?
A : Well, she gets RT’ed more than me! Besides, she has a prettier hair style and a better collection of designer saris. Some even consider her the hottest journalist in India today!
Q : You must be getting tired now…
A : Nope. I have to get back to Twitter and bark some more. May be block a few more Internet Hindus. (But please, please ask me that last question I know you’ll ask!!!!)
Q : OK, one last question : During the Kargil coverage, you were very supportive of the Indian Army. Of late, you’re one of their biggest critics, and also very supportive of the ‘Aman Ki Aasha’ initiative that intends to make peace with the same people that broke our trust in Kargil. Why?
A : Its deceptively simple. Back in 1999, I wanted to be a Badmashri. Now, I want to be the only Badmashri. No war, no coverage, no Badmashris.
Cheerio, Twitterati! 😛