Perched silently on the higher reaches of majestic trees in Gondaranya forests, I have a bird’s eye (or is it Monkey’s eye?) view of all that is happening in Delhi. Thus advantaged, I observed that the most abused word in India is “liberal”, so much so that Indians have gang-raped the word and then danced Gangnam-style all over it. When I could no longer take it, I realized it was time to get down to business (quite literally) and expose the 5 common types of blokes that would love to call themselves liberal, but quite aren’t so.
5. The liberal who hates criticism and critics
At a lower 5, I place myself, mostly to avoid criticism for self-praise. I’m known to sue anyone who dares to criticize me. These days I block Twitter handles before reading what they write about me.
4. The liberal who loves free speech, especially his/her own
At number 4 is the creature that would cause “zero loss” to the nation if the Pakistanis took its head away. Famous for trying to censor the internet while its own foot was a couple of feet down its throat.
3. The liberal who treats everyone alike, especially his/her children
At number 3 is the genius whose IQ is so large it cannot fit into any pants, he only wears lungis. Best known for making esoteric statements such as “No intelligence is not the same as lack of intelligence” that beat the Chidambara Rahasyam ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chidambara_Rahasyam ) hands down, his liberalism was on full display when his son pulled all the strings on his Lungi at once to throw a poor Tweeple into jail for defamation or some shit.
2. The liberal who respects all religions, especially ones that’d kill otherwise
At a respectable number 2 is the “Gin drinking Blind liberal Faith political democrat” who frequently “replugs” articles reminding us that even a decade ago journalism was stinking shit. Best known for convicting Lord Ram for land encroachment, the goose-in-pink also runs a beauty parlor for ugly Indian men.
5. The liberal who defends rights… of criminals & molesters
Surprise, surprise! At number 1, we have Javed Katkar Jadoo who, like Tarzan, came from nowhere howling, hanging on trees, to land in the perfect spot. Best known for not being in the news, this neo-liberal has snatched the top spot from many worthies by quoting and writing shit I didn’t read nor hope to understand if I did.