Liberal पंच अमृत

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Perched silently on the higher reaches of majestic trees in Gondaranya forests, I have a bird’s eye (or is it Monkey’s eye?) view of all that is happening in Delhi. Thus advantaged, I observed that the most abused word in India is “liberal”, so much so that Indians have gang-raped the word and then danced Gangnam-style all over it. When I could no longer take it, I realized it was time to get down to business (quite literally) and expose the 5 common types of blokes that would love to call themselves liberal, but quite aren’t so.

5. The liberal who hates criticism and critics

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The “Liberal” Bharkadatta

At a lower 5, I place myself, mostly to avoid criticism for self-praise. I’m known to sue anyone who dares to criticize me. These days I block Twitter handles before reading what they write about me.

4. The liberal who loves free speech, especially his/her own

Monkey-like-hair (Kapi Si Bal)

Monkey-like-hair (Kapi Si Bal)

At number 4 is the creature that would cause “zero loss” to the nation if the Pakistanis took its head away. Famous for trying to censor the internet while its own foot was a couple of feet down its throat.

3. The liberal who treats everyone alike, especially his/her children

Lungi - Liberally Yours

Lungi – Liberally Yours

At number 3 is the genius whose IQ is so large it cannot fit into any pants, he only wears lungis. Best known for making esoteric statements such as “No intelligence is not the same as lack of intelligence” that beat the Chidambara Rahasyam ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chidambara_Rahasyam ) hands down, his liberalism was on full display when his son pulled all the strings on his Lungi at once to throw a poor Tweeple into jail for defamation or some shit.

2. The liberal who respects all religions, especially ones that’d kill otherwise

The Sea Goose "Sagar-Ka-Goose"

The Sea Goose “Sagar-Ka-Goose”

At a respectable number 2 is the “Gin drinking Blind liberal Faith political democrat” who frequently “replugs” articles reminding us that even a decade ago journalism was stinking shit. Best known for convicting Lord Ram for land encroachment, the goose-in-pink also runs a beauty parlor for ugly Indian men.

5. The liberal who defends rights… of criminals & molesters

Javed "Katkar" Jadoo

Javed “Katkar” Jadoo

Surprise, surprise! At number 1, we have Javed Katkar Jadoo who, like Tarzan, came from nowhere howling, hanging on trees, to land in the perfect spot. Best known for not being in the news, this neo-liberal has snatched the top spot from many worthies by quoting and writing shit I didn’t read nor hope to understand if I did.

Rajiv Gandhi DashaNaamaVali

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Today is the birth anniversary of India’s greatest leader Shri Shri Shri @RajivGaxdhi second only to Akbar (Yeah, today is auspicious for playing vote bank politics!)

In his memory, I dedicate this DashaNaamaVali which, when recited 100 times a day, is sure to bring you eternal success, wealth & good will of the Congressis. If none of them come by, it will definitely waste your time, and I can vouch for the latter!

1. Broom Indira-Suputraya Namaha|
2. Groom SoniaItaliano Pataye Namaha|


3. Vroom @retardRahulG Pitraya Namaha|

Amar Putro

4. Bloom Congress bhavishyaya Namaha|
5. Fume Srilankans Mitraya Namaha|
6. Gloom Tamils’ Rahu-Ketu-Dashaya Namaha|
7. Boom Bofors Shastra-Dharine Namaha|
8. Spume personal law bill pitaye Namaha|
9. Doom Sikh-Yamaya Namaha|
10. Mushroom Black money pataye namaha|
11. Consume sahasra-koti-in-birthday-ads-aaya Namaha||

All Hail Raul Vinci – MDTV Christmas special!

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Inspired by the Christmas holiday season, I’ve composed the following poem and am dedicating it to the blue-eyed boy of Indian politics, the future PM of India, the heart throb of millions of loser spinsters and my stepping stone to Padma Bhushan – The one & only Raul Vinci!

(For better effect, sing the following to the tune of this song)

Raul is right, by being left,
His party is calm, His future bright.
All hail Italian mother and Child,
Raul Vinci so fair & wild,
Sleep with at least one piece,
but please spare the priests.

Silent Right, screaming left,
Raul is the only PM candidate in sight.
Sexy girls all over on your chase,
Rumors floating, you in a man’s embrace.
Raul Vinci, do you realize your worth?
Raul Vinci, do you realize your worth?

Memory of a byte, and intelligence slight,
Taking on, the evil right
May you always find a bar.
Hot girls sing ‘I Love you ya’
I rudely wake to the sound of horn,
Realize you’re to the nation, a thorn!

MDTV interviews Haq Jeelani

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We’re proud to announce we’re already awarded the Joo-Poo Peace price for this initiative by SCHMUCK  (Society of Chummy Hardliners & Maoists Undercover for Covert operations in Kashmir)

Damn, it’s really cold out here in Kashmir, and I’m out to meet to the Lord of the stonepelters, Hawk Geelani  – HJ in short (I now realize the title is misspelled). Though the whole world knows that I shall support the stonepelters once the interview is published, I’ve taken 4 disgusting men from the police forces, just in case some nut case starts pelting stones at me for my not-so-pleasing hairdo!

I finally meet Mr Geelani in his hide out, and offered a bunch of goodies that is mostly financed by the disgusting Govt of India from Delhi, and after I’m made comfortable, we start off with the interview.

BD – Mr Jeelani, What do you think is the root cause for the recent spurt in violence across the valley?

HJ – Azadi!

BD – Mr Jeelani, what do the youth of Kashmir really want?

HJ – Azadi!

BD – Who do you think is responsible for the deaths of innocent civilians in Kashmir?

HJ – Azadi!

BD – Do you think India will ever agree to your demands?

HJ – Azadi!

BD – Under the prevailing conditions,would a plebiscite, under the auspices of the UN, satisfy you and your followers?

HJ – Azadi!

I’m most annoyed by now, as you can imagine, by repetitive answers to not-even-remotely connected questions, and just a question away from declaring “HJ” Haram and clinically insane.

BD – What would you call a theocratic state, ruled by you, subjugating the minorities, cleansing Kashmir of the few Sikhs left, banning music and movies and fine arts, enforcing the burqa, destroying schools and colleges and making the worship of a single God the sole profession of all the masses of Kashmir?

HJ – Azadi!

Now that my doubts are confirmed, I choose to drop the interview, instead feeding awesome bullshit out of my own imagination. However, to present a good HJ to masses waiting outside to meet him, I decided to bring him out of his insanity for a few moments with this potentially disturbing question!

BD – Aren’t you disturbed by reports that sedition charges could be pressed against you by the Govt in Delhi?

HJ (Wakes up) – No, the sedition charges don’t trouble me at all. What troubles me is, if Kashmir remains under India, and I were caught like this (see image below), and the govt chooses to press sodomy charges against me!

Pappi or Chumma, don't tell your Momma!

BD – Thank you, Mr HJ, for wasting my time. Do not be disheartened, though, for I shall employ all my awesome English speaking skills to paint you and your cause in good light to the loyal followers of our channel!

Me, Myself and well, Myself

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( Disclaimer : This is purely my ‘dream’ work. Any uncanny resemblance to any person living, dead or otherwise is purely coincidental and extremely unfortunate)

Recently, I decided to incarnate on Twitter, and it has been a stupendous success. Many people have a lot of questions to ask me, mainly because I’m a celebrity. Most realize that it is really a useless exercise, yet they’d like to do it. That is the glamor of the television, less famously and more precisely described as the Idiot Box.

Some people tried to harass me by asking unwanted questions – questions that I do not want to be asked. Would you want your boss to ask you questions about how efficient you really are at your job? And these people are not even my bosses. So i made good use of a nice little functionality offered by Twitter called ‘Blocking‘ to keep unwanted questions away.

But with the advent of futuristic technologies like the e-mail and SMS, things were never the same again. People against me wrote to more people against me, who wrote to even more people against me and now I had thousands of people on Twitter against me and this was against my best interests. So, against my own wishes, I’ve decided to give an interview. Since I could not find a more qualified interviewer, I’ve decided to interview myself.

I know you’re my fan if you’ve already RT’ed this article before reaching here.

Q : Why did you become a journalist?

A : At a very young age, I was very fluent in English. I knew words like abash, copious, quid pro quo etc etc. For someone with no other skill, journalism was an excellent choice.

Q : What, according to you, is the most defining moment in your career?

A : That would undoubtedly be the release of the Bollywood flick ‘Lakshya’!

Q : I know why already (since I’m questioning myself) but please tell why you chose THAT moment?

A : Well, that movie really made me a household name, thanks to Preity Zinta. She was looking as bad as I, in the movie. Nobody would’ve related the character she portrayed with me, had she looked like, say, the hot chick in Salaam Namaste.

Q : A lot of people criticized you for the 26/11 terror attacks’ coverage…

A : Public memory is short. Wait a minute – What happened on 26/11????

Q : There is a lot of hullabaloo over ‘Internet Hindus’ lately. Do you consider them your primary adversaries?

A : No. On the contrary, I love the Internet Hindus. They make up over 80% of my followers. My primary adversary would be the lady credited with coining the term ‘Internet Hindus’!!

Q : Why is she your adversary?

A : Well, she gets RT’ed more than me! Besides, she has a prettier hair style and a better collection of designer saris. Some even consider her the hottest journalist in India today!

Q : You must be getting tired now…

A : Nope. I have to get back to Twitter and bark some more. May be block a few more Internet Hindus. (But please, please ask me that last question I know you’ll ask!!!!)

Q : OK, one last question : During the Kargil coverage, you were very supportive of the Indian Army. Of late, you’re one of their biggest critics, and also very supportive of the ‘Aman Ki Aasha’ initiative that intends to make peace with the same people that broke our trust in Kargil. Why?

A : Its deceptively simple. Back in 1999, I wanted to be a Badmashri. Now, I want to be the only Badmashri. No war, no coverage, no Badmashris.

Cheerio, Twitterati! :P